


Polymorph

by Gebuskrost



Category: World of Warcraft
Genre: Back to Front Storytelling, Canon Character Made Nonbinary, Crack, Gen, LGBT+ Representation, Mutinies and Insurrections, in-game shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-26 18:17:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17751029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gebuskrost/pseuds/Gebuskrost
Summary: What happens when your boss is going about world domination in the worst possible ways.





	Polymorph

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is written in reverse order [(Back to Front storytelling trope)](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BackToFront).

Donatella Anthania crossed her arms, peeved, as the clerk finally came to the front counter. "Mr. Hollings, did you have a package for me yesterday?"

Hollings, mute as ever, shrugged.

"The letter you delivered yesterday mentioned it came with a cat carrier."

The Royal Post's only employee in Stormwind stroked his short white beard thoughtfully, then shrugged again.

Donni sighed. "Well, if you find it will you let me know? It's a cat carrier with a white kitten in it."

Hollings nodded in a noncommittal sort of way.

 

EARLIER...

_My dear Donni,_  
_Inside this carrier you will find a very precious white kitten I, ah... found... in my travels. I am sure you will fall in love with him immediately. Please take good care of him but be careful to watch him closely, he's a runner. And if you must find another home for him, please for his sake make sure his new family never goes to Dalaran or Stormwind's mage quarter; it seems he's allergic to arcane magic, which is the only reason I cannot keep him here._  
 _K'T_  
 _P.S. Mr. Bigglesworth is doing fine, he says he misses you._

"Oh, Kel, it's been so long... Wait, what carrier?" Donni rushed out her door, calling after the postman, Hollings, who was even older than she was, but her hip began to twinge in pain and she sighed as she realized Hollings was already out of earshot. She picked up a calico who'd started rubbing against her leg. "I guess we'll have to go into the city tomorrow and find out what happened, won't we, Lady Admiral Fancypants?"

 

**EARLIER...**

"I'm sorry, Timmy, but my word is final. He can't live here. Your papa's allergic."

"But what's 'allergic' mean?"

"No 'buts', Timmy. Get him out of here right now, for Papa's health."

Timmy sighed. "OK, Dad, I'll find someone who can take care of him. For Papa's health."

Big Tim Thorne watched his son walk down the canal dejectedly, shook his head, and sat down next to his husband. "Another cat. I swear, it's like he brings one home every three hours."

"If that," David agreed.

 

**EARLIER...**

Li'l Timmy Thorne picked up the small pet carrier in excitement and peered inside it, wondering what his new friend looked like. A pair of icy blue eyes stared back at him intensely, framed by a bedraggled mass of white fluff. The kitten growled threateningly.

"Wow, you have such pretty eyes! Let's go home and give you a bath so the rest of you can be as pretty," Timmy exclaimed, and ran home with the carrier in his arms.

 

**EARLIER...**

Peter James Hollings, Fourth of His Name, had no idea today was his 82nd birthday. His memory wasn't what it used to be, nor his hearing, and his voice had been taken from him in the First War by a worg who'd nearly ripped out his throat, yet still he faithfully--if slowly--executed the duties of the Royal Post in Stormwind just like his father had, and his father before him. It was a position of honor, so his da' had told him, and he still believed it 70 years later.

But that didn't stop his rear end from paining him every time the old post wagon hit a hole in the road or an out-of-place cobblestone, which was often; those responsible for the upkeep of Stormwind's streets weren't nearly as diligent as Hollings himself.

The cart jostled again as it rolled over another pothole, and he groaned. He looked back to make sure none of the boxes and things had fallen off the back end. But he couldn't see over the stack of Darnassian wine casks bound for the various taverns, and he hadn't heard anything fall, so he contented himself that all was well.

The kitten inside the carrier settled down somewhat after the harrowing experience of having fallen off the wagon. He was miffed. He was hungry. He was... Hungry? How?

 

**EARLIER...**

Captain Constance watched the deckhands unload the _Kraken_ 's cargo, enjoying the sunshine while they could, before heading back to Northrend. There was a lot of post as usual, mostly letters but also no small amount of crates and such, and it looked like Stormwind still had just the one old man and the one old wagon running it.

_Well_ , they thought, _maybe 'running' is a strong word_. The old wagon, already loaded with wine casks, didn't look like it would hold all the post the _Kraken_ had brought, but between the old man and the dock workers they'd managed it, and Constance chuckled as they watched the wagon begin struggling its way up the ramp to Stormwind proper.

The captain heard boots approaching them on the foredeck. "Ma'am! Er...sir? Um..."

Constance sighed and turned. "Captain, if you please, Sailor."

"Er, right. Sorry, Captain."

"As you were, Phillips."

"The cargo's been unloaded, Captain."

"Good. And the kitten?"

"With the rest of the post, Captain."

"Very well, Phillips, you and the rest of the crew are granted three days' shore leave. Go have fun, that's an order!"

 

**EARLIER...**

_Oh good, it's still here,_ thought Bragg as he spied the human ship at the end of Valiance Keep's main street. _I can't miss it again, not after last time._ He sped down the thoroughfare, dodging piles of supplies and pedestrians, then hit the brakes on his trike, skidding to a stop at the edge of the dock, and jumped to the gangplank, which elicited a hiss from the carrier on his back.

"Aw, shaddap, you." As he jogged up the gangplank he pulled his Identi-matic Customer Courtesy Goggles down over his eyes and set the left lens to Race/Gender and the right lens to Rank. 'Ya never know what people might want to call themselves,' he'd always said, and so he'd invented these so he'd always know, and thus enhance the customer's experience so they'd be more likely to empty their purses. And hey, if the goggles only occasionally got it wrong, at least there was no chance of them exploding on his face. That he knew of.

Bragg knocked on the ship's cabin door, which opened after a moment. The captain stood in the doorway with an impatient look. He began his standard greeting: "Good afternoon, my name is Bragg, Steamwheedle Couriers. I have a package addressed to--" while his goggles whirred quietly, then displayed in the left lens:

RACE: HUMAN  
GENDER: AGENDER  
PRONOUNS: THEY/CAPTAIN/CAPTAIN'S

And on the right lens:

ERROR: RANK AMBIGUOUS.

After a pause and an eye twitch at the goggles' apparent errors, Bragg continued: "...addressed to someone in Elwynn, with special instructions addressed to Captain Constance of the _Kraken_. That's you, right?" He began unstrapping his pack, lifting out a pet carrier, two letters, and a small box.

The captain's eyebrows met in suspicion as they took the letters from the goblin, seeing one was indeed addressed directly to them in a flowing, spidery hand. "Who sent this?"

"I dunno, it doesn't have a return address. Here, I assume this box is food for the little thing."

"You don't know who gave this to you?"

"Some guy in a robe, I dunno. Look, uhhh--" Bragg double-checked the display on his goggles "--Captain, I don't get paid to ask questions. You gonna accept these? 'Cause I got places to be and without a return address this becomes my property and I ain't fond of cats."

The captain picked up the carrier and looked inside. The icy blue stare they got in return reminded them of... someone. "Sure. I'll take him."

 

**EARLIER...**

Kel'Thuzad chuckled again. "I have an idea...." He pointed to a ghoul that had been standing idle. "You. Get me a carrier from the storage in my quarters. And you. I need a living cultist. Human, preferably." He picked up the cat and stroked him with a bony hand. The cat seemed too stunned to resist. "Don't worry, we'll find you a nice, faraway place for you to live out the remainder of your days."

 

**EARLIER...**

"Sire, this scheme of yours is utter folly! Throwing away our best soldiers and abominations in order to make the enemy STRONGER?! Anub'arak is destroyed beyond even your ability to resurrect, Naxxramas and all my experiments are lost, I _died_ , and for what? This... this IDIOCY!"

The Lich King's eyes narrowed at Kel'Thuzad as he leaned forward on his throne. His voice, normally a blizzard in the ears of the listener, became even icier somehow. "Kel'Thuzad, I value your counsel, but you forget your place." In his anger, Arthas had yet to notice that the Helm of Domination on his head felt lighter.

"My _counsel_? My COUNSEL? The Scourge would be nothing without me! Who transformed half of Lordaeron? Who saved you from Sylvanas and her banshees? Who commanded the entire Scourge in your absence, who died serving as a distraction for the living when you were vulnerable here in Northrend? Who summoned Archimonde to Azeroth, fulfilling the will of our true masters? Oh no, _your Highness_ , I know _exactly_ where my place is. And you're sitting on it."

With Arthas's Helm firmly in his magical grasp, Kel'Thuzad _pulled_ , and it flew off Arthas's head to fall some distance away. The Lich King's eyes widened in surprise, but he quickly recovered and summoned Frostmourne from its dais down the hall. However, it missed his grasp entirely--the runeblade flew over his head and embedded itself into the throne as he felt himself shrinking. His connection to Frostmourne and even the Scourge disappeared, leaving him feeling empty. And cold. And... fuzzy?

Kel'Thuzad's triumphant laugh echoed throughout the Halls of Reflection. "I never liked you, boy. But I acceded to the Lich King's will and let him fuse with you, instead of me."

Kel'Thuzad floated over to loom above the white kitten that was Arthas's new form. "But you've nearly decimated the Scourge with your hare-brained scheme, and I couldn't let that continue. And you were always so easy to manipulate into blind fury." He chuckled. "Such a fascinating spell, Polymorph. It's normally temporary, but I've been working on this permanent variant. The only thing is, any arcane magic in the area will reverse it."

Kel'Thuzad bent over to look more closely at Arthas, his monologuing taking on a decidedly cutesy tone. "And we can't have that, can we? No we can't. So. What to do with you?"

**Author's Note:**

> Li'l Timmy has gay dads! Captain Constance is indeed nonbinary (agender) in this fic; Bragg's goggles were confused because Captain was both their pronoun and their rank.


End file.
